the stone of woe

i find myself once more giving way under the weight, terrible and oppressive.  it’s crushing me.i cannot seem to put the burden down for any length of time. even when i am happy, i’m sad. even when i’m laughing, i’m crying.
i learned yesterday that my son has learned to swim underwater and jump off the diving board in his swimming lessons. i’m so proud of him! we talked on the phone and he told me about how he only did that in swim lessons but at the regular pool he would only jump off the side.  i remember when i took him to the pool for the first time.  i carried him in my arms and held him close, the water was cold and the entire experience was very different than the bathtub 🙂  i cherish that memory!
i’m so offended and hurt and confused and disbelieving and wishing and crying and crushed and desperate and forlorn and broken.
does it end?  i don’t know.  i know so many trans women that have lost all contact with their kids, sometimes things are reconciled.  sometimes they aren’t.  i hope my son and i can be one of the ones that reconcile.  of course i also thought my relationship with my wife (who is gay but just doesn’t want to address it yet as she is more concerned with “normal” and raising our son) that would be able to endure this.  i knew she was *The One*.  i know that she still is.
i don’t know why i’m still in love but then i never knew why i was in love to begin with.  it just happened when i saw her.  instantly.  across the dusty streets of the Maryland Renaissance Faire, her in line at a vendor and me walking down the sun parched boulevard. she felt it too.  we both did.  it was beautiful.  it always will be.
i don’t know how to turn love off, i never have and i hope i never learn how.  i don’t know how she has done that to me.  perhaps she hasn’t and is just saying that to make it clear to me that there is no hope of reconciliation.
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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. dizzy
    Aug 11, 2012 @ 13:49:39

    Hey Sweetie,

    ‘Love, it’s a b**ch.’ ~ The Rolling Stones

    Nope. No one ever chooses who, how or why they Love. It just happens to you out of the blue — like being struck by lightning, or something? I’ve found it can’t be turned off manually, either. Sometimes, sadly enough, it dies — materially or incorporreally…

    It’s a force all it’s own. It can’t be manipulated. People have tried. Tomes have been written. But, in truth, there’s nothing to be done about it. It is or it isn’t. You can’t force someone who doesn’t. And, conversely, you can’t stop Loving someone — or them you — if you do…

    It’s a mad life. A mad Love.

    Hope you like the song. It’s one of my fave Stones tunes.

    Hope you have a great day! Hang in there. You are killing this. You really are. You’re SO much better than you believe you are! Holy cow!!! 💋

    Reply

    • womanintears
      Aug 11, 2012 @ 14:29:14

      thank you Dizzy, yeah, i like the song as well.

      i don’t don’t really what’s going on any longer. i feel like i did when i was 22 and just starting out; living on couches and sleeping on mattress on the floor toting around my few possessions in a car that i can’t really afford but can’t afford to be without.

      i very much feel like a whole and new life is being wrought here. yet it is one which i detest and would trade to get any of my old life back.

      Reply

  2. dizzy
    Aug 11, 2012 @ 14:46:13

    I can dig it. It’s all rather Alice in Woderland/Wizard of Oz. I’ve been ‘transformed’ by surgeons for different reasons. Feel I’m an a somewhat parallel journey. I don’t know where I’m going but if I walk long enough I should get there…? We both will. 💋

    Reply

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