the stone of woe

i find myself once more giving way under the weight, terrible and oppressive.  it’s crushing me.i cannot seem to put the burden down for any length of time. even when i am happy, i’m sad. even when i’m laughing, i’m crying.
i learned yesterday that my son has learned to swim underwater and jump off the diving board in his swimming lessons. i’m so proud of him! we talked on the phone and he told me about how he only did that in swim lessons but at the regular pool he would only jump off the side.  i remember when i took him to the pool for the first time.  i carried him in my arms and held him close, the water was cold and the entire experience was very different than the bathtub 🙂  i cherish that memory!
i’m so offended and hurt and confused and disbelieving and wishing and crying and crushed and desperate and forlorn and broken.
does it end?  i don’t know.  i know so many trans women that have lost all contact with their kids, sometimes things are reconciled.  sometimes they aren’t.  i hope my son and i can be one of the ones that reconcile.  of course i also thought my relationship with my wife (who is gay but just doesn’t want to address it yet as she is more concerned with “normal” and raising our son) that would be able to endure this.  i knew she was *The One*.  i know that she still is.
i don’t know why i’m still in love but then i never knew why i was in love to begin with.  it just happened when i saw her.  instantly.  across the dusty streets of the Maryland Renaissance Faire, her in line at a vendor and me walking down the sun parched boulevard. she felt it too.  we both did.  it was beautiful.  it always will be.
i don’t know how to turn love off, i never have and i hope i never learn how.  i don’t know how she has done that to me.  perhaps she hasn’t and is just saying that to make it clear to me that there is no hope of reconciliation.

An open letter to Atlanta’s Feminist Women’s Health Center on its refusal to treat certain women and its willingness to treat certain men. « Cisnormativity

When you’re a trans person — and especially when you’re a trans woman — you fear the doubt, incredulity, and even horror lurking just under the surface which cis people around you are well known to express when they come into possession of privileged knowledge about your body. This is the kind of privileged knowledge whose discretion should be valued, respected and, most of all, understood no differently than with the privileged knowledge a cis body contains.But it isn’t. That’s why so many medical facilities — hospitals, clinics, offices — bar trans women with the thinnest of equivocations. “We’re not equipped to treat your kind.” “We lack the knowledge.” “We don’t understand your bodies.” “Go see a gender clinic.” “We’re sure there’s another clinic for you.” “You lack ovaries and a uterus.”

All of these say the same thing: “We would rather you die than for us to treat you. We really do know enough — we earned our medical licences somehow — but we’d like to tell you that we’re just not qualified to treat your kind of body or face your kind of person. We’re not being truthful, but we hold the power. Go away.”

via An open letter to Atlanta’s Feminist Women’s Health Center on its refusal to treat certain women and its willingness to treat certain men. « Cisnormativity.

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