I tried to kill myself

i tried in Feb this year when it became clear that the relationship with my wife was ending.  she swore her vows and made her pledges and still walked away from me during the lowest point of my life.  just packed up her things and my son and drove away leaving me without a home to stay in or any reasonable means to acquire a living place for me and my son to visit.

she took my little boy from me after promising that she would never, ever, do it.  she swore she would follow me to the ends of the universe and beyond and be with me forever…and she left.

i still want to die.  to not live this horrible and painful life.  the one bright point of light in my whole life walked away from me and left me to the darkness once again.  i never broke a promise to her and i never hurt her in any way, i was a good spouse.  sure, i have my flaws and my problems…maybe more than most but i have a generous heart, a kind spirit and loving disposition.

i’ll never understand why it had to be this way.  i’ve been crying for nearly 280 straight days now, ever since she first told me she was leaving me in Sept 2011.  our 13 year wedding anniversary is coming up and that will be the last one.  our divorce will be final before our 14 year one.  we’ve been together for 15 years, more than a quarter of our lives together and, in the end, i was cast aside as so much broken, used garbage.

i’m horribly sad and depressed and i wish my friends hadn’t called the police, i wish they had just let me die.  i do have some unfinished business to attend to and after that i can’t see any reason to fight any longer….i don’t want to die but we all do anyway.

now i’m sleeping on an air mattress in a city across the country relying upon the kindness of friends to survive.

i hate my life and what has become of it.

******

i wrote the above in April of this year.  i am now living in a different city and sleeping on a bed.  funny thing that, this is the first bed that i’ve ever owned as an adult.  i’ve owed one with someone else but never one of my own…strange.

i don’t feel like i want to die everyday now, only whenever i get done talking to them on the phone…i just can’t process it all and so i break down crying and sobbing for hours.

i can’t believe things just got so fucked up.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Carolina Courtland
    Jul 07, 2012 @ 12:53:29

    I’m glad that you are starting to move on.

    Reply

    • womanintears
      Jul 11, 2012 @ 18:17:03

      thank you. it’s been very difficult in every way that such a term could be applied. i just celebrated my birthday a few days ago and if you’d have told me that my life would be like this right now on my last birthday i’d have called you a liar. it’s unbelievable.

      Reply

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