i really just can’t believe how hard it is to talk to my family on the phone. my son won’t speak more than a few words to me and i hear my wife talking to him about it. i get pictures every so often and, though i like to see them, it just drives the point home that i’ve been cast out and abandoned. i thought it was due to my transition however that is not the case. it’s due to the trauma that i suffered as a child and how the healing process has manifested in my day to day life.
it’s hard to imagine how the one person that was not supposed to abandon me has done so during the hardest process and darkest time of my adult life. sometimes i wonder why i even care any longer…what point is there in trying to recover and be healthy when the only thing that will come of it is a greater realization of how my childhood issues are still effecting everything in my life? i hate what was done to me and i hate how it changed me.
though i don’t believe in god i still pray every night that whatever power, if there is, would kill me.