I can’t believe how hard it is

i really just can’t believe how hard it is to talk to my family on the phone.  my son won’t speak more than a few words to me and i hear my wife talking to him about it.  i get pictures every so often and, though i like to see them, it just drives the point home that i’ve been cast out and abandoned.  i thought it was due to my transition however that is not the case.  it’s due to the trauma that i suffered as a child and how the healing process has manifested in my day to day life.

it’s hard to imagine how the one person that was not supposed to abandon me has done so during the hardest process and darkest time of my adult life.  sometimes i wonder why i even care any longer…what point is there in trying to recover and be healthy when the only thing that will come of it is a greater realization of how my childhood issues are still effecting everything in my life?  i hate what was done to me and i hate how it changed me.

though i don’t believe in god i still pray every night that whatever power, if there is, would kill me.

i hate pancakes

i hate pancakes.

it seems i’ve always hated them….and i can’t eat enough of them…

my grandmothers bent figure, nightgown hanging from her gaunt body preparing silver dollar pancakes at the stove, cigarette close at hand…near the glass of whiskey…. neither of us able to look at each other and her terrible, silent imploring for my forgiveness…at what i’m not sure… her inability to help me? her unwillingness to help me?

i’ll never know now but she died without it…knowing that it was impossible for me to forgive her even if she was the only one that tried to make it bearable for me… i suppose she was the best of the death camp guards that really hated that they were assigned to this job, it’s not what they signed up for and, yes, he feels terrible about it all and so gives you extra rations or a thicker blanket in the snowy season…. but that’s just not. it’s an attempt to assuage their own guilty conscience for their participation and forgiveness cannot be.

I feel like i’ve taken acid

I feel like i’ve ingested some LSD and just never came down…this whole experience has been so incredibly surreal that i find it hard to believe.  i patently don’t believe it…perhaps i’m stuck in the Matrix or on the aforementioned acid trip…but i just cannot find any resonance in reality with my experiences of late.

furthermore, something must be out of whack at the cosmic dating center of the universe for i’ve found myself relentlessly pursued by one man and two women even though i’ve made it abundantly clear that i’m only interested in friends right now.  apparently my winning personality, lack of obvious body odor and simple charm have convinced these people that i’m worth knowing and loving.  i pointedly tell them “don’t tell me you love me.” and they ask, with some slight hurt in their voices “what should i say when i’m feeling love for you?”  i don’t know the answer to that but, perhaps, not telling me that you love me after only knowing me for a few days is a good start.  i can’t think of a more surefire way to put off a person that is going through a terribly hurtful breakup than to jump the shark with love statements.

yeah, i get it… i’m a whole package of awesomely yummy goodness and they can’t help themselves…even if that were the case why on earth would people think that love-bombing someone in my position would be a good idea?

don’t get me wrong, dear reader, i do enjoy the attention of my friends and the occasional flattery that a romantic partner may bestow but this is just ridiculous.

The ink isn’t even dry

The SBE (soon to be ex) and i have recently concluded an emotionally devastating round of negotiations over the custody of my son and things related to that.  one of the aspects concerned what time of day i could call to speak with him. 

so i called during the designated time and she didn’t answer.  she wrote me an email and now wants to change the terms of the negotiation and the ink is still wet on it.  she now wants to limit me to two days per week to call and IF i call consistently on those days then she’d be willing to add another day which i’m allowed to call.

needless to say that wasn’t part of our agreement in the least bit. 

i can understand, on one level, how waiting around every day would be tricky… that said, my time to call is right before bedtime for my son so it’s not like she has to be waiting around anywhere in particular, just have her cell phone.  i don’t know what to do about it.

i asked my lawyer for her advice on this development and we’ll go from there.

what was once a loving partnership has become something unrecognizable and it breaks my heart.

Transphobic Radical Hate Didn’t Start With Brennan: The Sandy Stone-Olivia Records Controversy | The Transadvocate

Transphobic Radical Hate Didn’t Start With Brennan: The Sandy Stone-Olivia Records Controversy | The Transadvocate.

One voice that’s been silent is Lisa Mottet. Mottet is the author of the language that many people use today in anti-discrimination legislation. Her work is being attacked as an attack on women’s safety. A rebuttal from Mottet would be a good first start. Other voices including Mara Keisling of NCTE, Denise Leclair of IFGE, and Rea Carry of NGLTF need to be heard on this issue too. This issue is taking hold in the halls of the legislature in Maryland as we speak. This isn’t just a debate among different factions of the community, it’s a fight for the lives of gender variant people who may die without these protections.

Wicked Wonderland Empire

Life and times of a Buddhist trans woman.

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I know I am...


through the darkness there is light


It's like The Matrix — only without body harvesting and bullet time. Its ubiquity makes it almost invisible. Almost. We can see it, and we will explain what it looks like.

The Pink Agendist

by E.B. de Mas, reachable at: pink.agendist@yahoo.com

Staked in the Heart

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