I lie here with tears

I dream every night…every time i sleep, of her and my son.  usually, there is some tremendous calamity which has befallen the area (hurricanes seem to feature most often) and they get swept away from me and i call out for them but there is no answer.  I search throughout the dream land for them and often see them, oblivious to me and my presence.  I feel like Patrick Swayze in Ghost… unknown and unseen but present.

My son doesn’t want to talk with me and asks mom to do so and she just hangs up on me.  I know he’s taking his ques from her and that it’s effecting him and the way that he interacts with me.

I’m ashamed that this is how our relationship ends.  Our 13 year anniversary will happen on May 1 and we’ll have been together for 16 years before the divorce is finalized.  I never hid any of the things bothering me from her though i didn’t know how to properly articulate them nor did i appreciate the depth to which they effected me and, i suppose, her as well.

I’ve never trusted any human in my life as much as i trusted her, i didn’t believe in love at first sight until i met her and i have never known such pain and agony at the loss of a relationship.

I miss her.  I miss my son.  I want to go back home and live with my family again and help take care of them, support and encourage them… just like i always have.  I fear it shall be forever denied me.


The Divorce redux

My lawyer and i collaborated on our response and took an aggressive posture so that we can negotiate and hopefully reach a fair custody situation with my son.  One quality which my SBE has demonstrated is a very stubborn personality so i’m thinking that she’s not going to negotiate with me and will, instead, choose to let the courts decide everything.  Why she would let some stranger that doesn’t know us make such a monumental life decision is beyond me….however hope springs eternal and i can only hope that her lawyer is advising her to negotiate with me.

I’m so sad that it has come to this, that she chose this path for us and that we’re all caught in the fall out.  I don’t really understand why she wasn’t interested in anything that we could have done to save our relationship but then i’m not brought upon the world to “get it”.   My son deserves to have both of his parents in his life; healthy parents that are able to be there for him.  I’ll do everything within my power to make sure i’m healthy and able to be there for him and i wish that she would do the same.

Her lawyer contacted mine and suggested that i wasn’t competent to even enter into negotiations to which my lawyer responded that if the other lawyer didn’t back off, my lawyer would have her disbarred.  the SBE’s lawyer quickly backtracked and didn’t pursue that line of discussion any further.  My lawyer is really pissed at what is going on and how the SBE has acted towards me and her general behavior during this whole process.

I still cry about it everyday.  Perhaps i will always do so.  I don’t know.

Cindy and Allison talk after the party | Xtranormal

Cindy and Allison talk after the party | Xtranormal.

The Divorce

So… i filed my counter complaint towards the SBE today.  Everything has gotten so fucked up, so completely destroyed and ruined.  She wasn’t even willing to go to joint parenting classes so we could be more effective co-parents to our son; she wasn’t willing to do *anything* to work on our marriage or address her underlying issues with me.  Her lawyer called into question my mental fitness to even negotiate and my lawyer told hers that if she kept that up she’d have her disbarred.  the SBE’s lawyer quickly backed off her contentions.

What to do

So my living situation is very unstable right now.  It’s taken me so long to get to California and at the end of May, if i haven’t gotten a job by then, i’ll have to leave.  I really don’t want to but i have no practical choice in the matter unless i choose to live in a tent in the tent city in central California.  that would be problematic on several levels and is more of a fall back of last resort rather than something which i’d be eager to do.

The Liar

My soon to be ex, here after referred to as SBE, is the most unrepentant liar that i’ve ever met.  All her promises were for nothing, her vows to stay with me, to help and support me (as i did her) were nothing but manipulations to ensure that i wouldn’t leave her.  Her promises not to take my son from me were nothing but lip service.  Her vows to her god were nothing but platitudes used to delude and deceive me into thinking that i could trust her with my heart and the essence of my being.

Perhaps it’s the case that all relationships end badly especially when one person (me) is abandoned and left behind, tossed aside like so much used garbage.

I’ve been crying for more than 280 days now and i have no idea when it will end.

Next Newer Entries

Wicked Wonderland Empire

Life and times of a Buddhist trans woman.

Dizzy yet?

I know I am...


through the darkness there is light


It's like The Matrix — only without body harvesting and bullet time. Its ubiquity makes it almost invisible. Almost. We can see it, and we will explain what it looks like.

The Pink Agendist

by E.B. de Mas, reachable at: pink.agendist@yahoo.com

Staked in the Heart

Not A Safe Space